Friday, December 2, 2016

For my ride or die

I don't even know how many times I've put my laptop on my lap (whoa...the name makes way too much sense now), wrote a few paragraphs, and then promptly deleted everything on the screen. All I know is that the number would be in the double digits. I'm not sure why its been so hard for me to write lately. I think its a mixture of being worried that people will hate what I produce, being a newly wed and having my life as I once knew it abruptly and beautifully uprooted, and trying to finish the Harry Potter series (for the first time ever!) before the year is over. But my husband says those are all poor excuses for giving the cold shoulder to one of my greatest passions.

Speaking of my husband. I'm writing this post today because its his birthday!!! He's turning 29, but I prefer to tell him that he's almost 30. He hates that. Anyway, if there is one thing that I can do to make him happy, it would be to finally get back to doing what makes ME happy, and that's writing. Luckily for me, I get to ease back into this whole writing thing by writing about the most straightforward and uncomplicated topic in my life: how wonderful my husband is (because its his birthday!!). After this I have promised him I would get back to writing about the more messy, perplexing, and tangled part of my life—recovery (and all the things that come wrapped up in it).

Okay before I go any further, let me introduce you to my husband so I can stop calling him husband and call him by his name (because using the word husband still freaks me out). His name is Craig. For the rest of this post, that is what I will be calling him.

The majority of the people reading this post are probably my friends and family so I don't need to point out that I got married four months and five days ago, but I just pointed it out anyway because a few weeks ago we were asked how long we've been married and, because I'm not sentimental and cutesy, I had no clue. I felt kind of bad, so this is me redeeming myself.


I was going to do one of those "29 reasons you're amazing" lists but I did that last year with "28" and I really don't think I can come up with another reason ;)
Instead, I want to let you know what a great teacher you are. No, I'm not talking about your job as a professor at Dixie State. I'm talking about your job as my husband. Little did you know that when you married me, you were signing up to be a lifelong teacher to little old me. And I'm seriously the luckiest women alive because I get to learn from the best.

Here are five lessons I have learned or are currently learning from you:

You're teaching me to think for myself
One of the most incredible moments I've had with you happened in a conversation we were having about my eating disorder (E.D) and my struggle to recover. I remember it very well. I was lamenting about how hard it was for me to let go of E.D. This was the conversation:

Craig: What's the worst thing that will happen if you give up your eating disorder and recover?
Me: I'll gain weight
Craig: So...?
Me: I'll be fat.
Craig: And...?

It was then I realized how shallow and trifling my whole ideology was (and still sometimes is). 
This is just one of the many times that you have prodded me to stop and question societal dogma and it's amazing how many things I've assumed to be truths that are actually complete bull crap—like this notion that if you're not skinny then your somehow not good enough. 

You're teaching me that it's okay to fail 
I recently let you in on one of my deepest insecurities: not getting into the BYU nursing program. TWICE. I didn't realize how much that rejection was ruining my life until you pointed out that I was assuming being rejected meant I was a reject. The lack of acceptance was keeping me from taking anymore risks. However, since our conversation, I have begun to consider different paths that will require effort, hard work, and ultimately, the dreaded application process. I just want you to know that I wouldn't have had the courage to even think about putting myself out there again if it wasn't for you.

You're teaching me how to be financially literate
I know you're going to be shocked to hear this, but you know those weekly money meetings you make us have? The ones where you talk about our current finances and I usually tune out and get on instagram because money has always stressed me out? Yeah, well believe it or not, I love that you set those up and I'm lucky to have married someone so smart and organized with their money. I knew next to nothing about finances when we met (I didn't even keep my money in a bank, I kept it in my underwear drawer), and I know I still have a lot to learn, but I've already come a long way because of you and I'm so grateful.  

You're providing the space and patience for me to learn how to cook
**Yes, you heard it right. Craig is the cook in our household. No, I don't force him to do it. He actually just enjoys it and he's incredible at it. I, on the other hand, do not enjoy anything that goes on in a kitchen except the actual eating a meal. To be honest, I think I'm just a perfectionist and I don't like trying things that I'm not already good at (e.g. cooking). For this reason, I was stressing out about becoming a wife. But we have an agreement that I will cook twice a week, and I'm actually starting to look forward to my days now. Also, can I just say how grateful I am to be married to someone who doesn't buy into gender roles??

You're teaching me how to love myself
I'm not sure if you remember this, but a few months ago you had a conversation with me that changed my life. It was a few weeks into our engagement and I was having an especially hard time feeling good about myself. I had been making some pretty hateful comments about myself and I was on verge of a relapse when you said you needed to talk to me about something important that night. When we finally sat down to talk, it was one of the more sobering moments we've ever had together. You wanted me to know that when I'm not kind to myself and when I say hurtful things about my looks, my worth, or my abilities, it hurts you too. I'll never forget that night because that was when I learned that loving myself wasn't just something I needed to do for my own good, but I was also something I needed to do for the people whom I love and who love me in return. 

Well, those are just a few of the many wonderful things I've learned by having you as my...ride or die (notice I didn't use the word husband). I can't wait to see what this list will look like when I'm 80. Anyway, I want to go spend some time with you now so I'm going to be done writing. But thank you for picking me to be your wife! Happy Birthday!! 

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