Sunday, December 22, 2013

13 facts. 0 lies.

When I was younger, I was home alone and found my little dog being strangled by his own leash. I cut the leash off but he still wasn't breathing, so being the aspiring nurse that I am, I did the only thing I could think of. CPR. Yeah...I gave my dog mouth-to-mouth. Before you start making fun of me and telling me how disgusting that is, you must know I did save his life! But sometimes, when he pees in my room, like he did two nights ago, I wish I would have let him die. 
In high school, I absolutely despised being 5'10''. I desperately wanted to be shorter (probably because I was taller than all the guys at the time). But now? I desperately wish I was taller. Like 6 foot. Or even 6'1''.

I'm overly concerned about what others think about me. In fact, I'm really nervous to post this because it's not my typical inspirational post and I'm worried what you'll all think. But I'm challenging myself and I'm going to post it anyway.

Unlike most girls, I refuse to think about my future wedding until I absolutely have to (and from the looks of things, I don't think I'll be doing it any time soon). However, as backwards as it may seem, I have managed to pick out all the names of my future children. I wish I could share them with you but they're pretty cool and you'll probably steal them.

I used find myself constantly criticizing how people looked and it got really annoying. So now when I catch myself judging someones appearance, I make myself think of two or three things that I actually like about them or their looks instead. Not that I'm criticism free, but it’s been really helpful so far.

Contrary to popular belief, my favorite type of music is not rap.
(but're black..)
I know, sorry to disappoint.  
My favorite music genres are actually country, and reggae. And Christmas of course.

Speaking of Christmas, I used to be very easy to please. When I was 5-years old, this was my entire Christmas list:
1. A real life stop sign.
2. An air freshener.
*Santa really shouldn’t have, but he spoiled me that year and got me both.

My little sister, Raygan, was born when I was 8-years old. For some unknown reason I insisted on being in the room while she was delivered. My mom failed to tell me that when brown babies are born, they usually don't get their pigment right away. So when my little sister came out and didn't appear to be brown, I yelled--in a very concerning tone-- "Mother! She's white!"
The doctor almost dropped her because he was laughing so hard.

Growing up, I hated BYU and had no desire to attend college there. My high school friends and I would even drive around the BYU campus during our lunch break and throw things at their students. (super mature, I know). But after being convinced to try out for the BYU cheer team and making the cut, I decided to give BYU a shot, and it was the best decision I have ever made. Being a part of BYU and the cheer team has rekindled my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and essentially got me active in my church.

I consider myself to be pretty dang book smart, but when it comes to street smarts...let's just say I was in the back of that line in Heaven and they ran out before I could get any.

I struggle knowing my lefts and rights. NO matter how much I practice, I always mess it up when I'm giving someone directions. 

My biggest fear is being in a natural disaster. Also, I'm deathly afraid of lightning and thunder storms. Whenever a storm is passing through, I make sure that I'm not wearing any metal because metal conducts electricity. So this means that all my jewelry comes off as well as my pants (because jeans have metal buttons!) I won't even eat with metal silver wear until the storm is over. 

Im convinced that I would be happier if I could just go live in a jungle somewhere. No clothes. No money. No technology. Just nature.     

Thursday, December 19, 2013


I just spent the last 2 years of my life trying to convince a man that I was good enough.

Pretty enough.

Motherly enough.

Smart enough.

Funny enough.

Domestic enough.

Skinny enough.

Spiritual enough.

and worthy of unconditional love.

It's now been 2 and a half months since that man decided he no longer wanted to be apart of my life. For a good portion of those months, I believed it all happened because maybe I wasn't actually good enough. Or perhaps I just fell short of convincing him that I was.

That's where I had it all wrong.

It wasn't he who needed to be convinced, it was me.

How am I just now figuring this out??

I wish I was writing this to tell you that I have finally been able to convince myself of my own worth, and how you can too, but after years of it being overlooked, it's going to take some time to come back into view. It's coming though. I can feel it.

For now, I'm just going to revel in the fact that I at least realized the mistake I was making, and plead with the rest of you to avoid making it a mistake of your own (or if you're already making this mistake, maybe this will help you to recognize it so that you can get back onto the path of self-acceptance and self-love that I am starting on).

No matter how much time, effort, energy or money, you put into love, and no matter how many sacrifices and changes you make for someone, it will never be good enough so long as you don't KNOW you're good enough.

I know this because even if there was a time in my relationship that this man thought I was good enough, I refused to believe it. In fact, I was incapable of believing it.

Your worth doe not hinge on anyone but yourself. You should be able to exist without ever hearing someone say "You're amazing!", and still believe those words in your own head. You have to believe it! But as long as you don't, there will be a void in your life that no relationship (no matter how amazing) can fill. Until you can fill that void on your own (and with God's help of course), it will slowly taint every relationship you possess.

I'm not claiming that this was the sole explanation for my recent breakup, because there was a lot more going on than that, but I do know it played a role. Had I loved myself before seeking love from him, would things have worked out? I couldn't say. Probably not. However, I do believe that it would have left me in a much better spot when the relationship came to an end. Not that getting dumped should be a tea party, but I just think that some of the worthlessness and hopelessness that I let myself feel was unnecessary. I mean yeah, It's painful to get your heart broken, and yeah, you're probably going to cry...a lot (especially if you're anything like me). But as soon as you know, without a doubt, deep within yourself, that you're worth an awful lot, you will find that you have every reason to be happy and to carry on even in the entanglement of a breakup. exactly do we go about this whole realizing you're worth thing?, I do not know. But as soon as I figure it out, you can bet that I'll blog about it :)