Thank you X5

Mom (also known as Mamba),

Thank you for always holding at least 3 jobs so that I never went without. You probably thought you were just providing for me financially, but you also taught me an amazing work ethic that will bless me for my entire life.

Thank you for caring for special needs individuals in our home for as long as I can remember. For you it was a job, for me it was a learning experience. I learned to see past differences and accept all kinds of people. 

Thank you for learning to forgive my dad and working hard to have a civil relationship with him—even after he broke your heart. And thank you for not pressuring me to hate him. It wasn’t (and still isn’t) easy for you, but it was the kindling that started my journey of forgiving him. Because of your example, I am able to have a relationship with my dad that I value, rather than one that causes me grief.  

Thank you for exposing me to the church even though you yourself did not want to be apart of it. I used to focus on your lack of activity in the church, however, now I’m just grateful that you encouraged me to be a part of it. You had me blessed and baptized. You always suggested that I go to church but never forced it upon me. And you’ve never tried to talk me out of being a part of it. I want to work on being as supportive of your beliefs as you are of mine.     

Lastly, I just want to say thank you for being patient with me. I know our relationship has been a source of pain for the last several years, but even after all the harsh words I’ve thrown at you and all the guilt trips I’ve given you tickets to, you’ve never deserted me. I’ve enjoyed the growth our relationship has undergone this past year and I cant wait to see it flourish even more. You are the definition of an amazing mother. 

I love you mostess, hostess, twinkies and cupcakes

holes.

We all have holes inside of us. Emotional wounds that have yet to heal. Some are there because of something someone else did, and many are the result of our own actions. Either way, they're there, and I'm here to tell you that we can't afford to waste anymore energy thinking about the why or who's fault it is.

First let me say this:

I do believe it's important to understand where our holes come from and why, but that can only get you so far--and it's not very far, trust me. I know this because I've spent the last year looking at why I have holes only to look back and see that its gotten me nowhere. I'm still here, and the holes are still there--gapping. So now? Now it's time to stop focusing on the WHY. Why? Because the energy we posses is so, so valuable and unfortunately it's not unlimited. We can only give our energy to so many things and the WHY of our wounds should no longer be a recipient. It's time we invest more into WHAT we are going to do about it and HOW. 

WHAT?

So now that you're done with the why (because you are...right??), you have 2 options. Choose wisely. 

1. Walk around life like a wounded bird. 

or 

2. Fill those holes with light and let it help you guide others

*HINT: Pick the 2nd option

HOW?

I think light comes from God. So essentially I'm telling you to fill yourself with God, but I realize that seems daunting or unrealistic for some of you. To be honest, when I think of it like that, it seems like too big of a task for me too. I feel like I'm too far away and too unworthy to be filled with God's light.  But then I realize I'm looking at it all wrong. I may not feel worth of God right now but I can and should feel worthy to DO Godly things. Once you start doing more of these things, you realize you're a lot closer to Him than you thought, and his light will flood your wounded soul pretty quickly. Here are a few ways to do this: 

Love everyone--and I mean EVERYONE. Not just the nice people and not just those who are easy to love. Yep, you gotta love the annoying people too. 

Serve others. Service doesn't have to be manual labor. Service can be as simple as writing a note to someone who is going through a hard time. 

Be full of gratitude. Actively seek for things throughout your day that you are grateful for. Even something as small as someone holding the door open for you. Write a few of these things down each night. Or simply say a prayer thanking God for these things. 

Love yourself in the NOW. We have to stop saving our self-love for our future, more perfect, more fit, more organized, more successful selves. We must love who we are right now or we won't have a reason to heal and improve. 

Forgive all people.  Just remember, forgiveness is a heavy task, but its lighter than holding a grudge. 

And the last idea I'm going to give seems strange but I can almost feel light flooding my soul when I do it...

SMILE MORE! Especially at strangers. It seems weird, but I can't tell you how many times my day was brightened when a stranger simply smiled at me. It's such an easy way to let God's light shine through you. 

These are just a few ways we can fill ourself with light, but I know there are more! If you have other ideas, I would love it if you left it in a comment below!

This is a picture I took over the weekend in Southern Utah. Its actually what inspired this post. Thanks for reading it!

Dear Body,

Learning to love and accept my body has got to be one of the harder aspects of my recovery. I've been able to conclude this because its something that I struggle with to this very second. But even though I'm admitting that this is a current struggle, I still believe I am capable of offering a little help to others.

One of the earlier assignments that I was asked to do while in treatment was to write a letter of gratitude to my body. At first I thought it would be impossible to write a letter such as this, especially given that I wasn't at all happy with the way I looked. How could I be grateful for something that I was so displeased with? I really didn't think I could to be honest, so my plan was to completely B.S. the letter just so I could check it off of my list.

Prior to starting the letter, I had an experience that sparked a change in how I felt about my body.

It was a Saturday morning and I got checked out of treatment for the day to go the tulip festival with my boyfriends family.
side note: If you have never been to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point, put it on your to do list for next spring. I'm serious. From the name, you might imagine it to be something bland, but I'm telling you, it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. GO!!! 
The festival itself was a serene experience, but the tranquility I was able to find within myself that day was the highlight. As we walked through all of the different gardens, my boyfriends little niece asked me if I would hold her. Though it was hot and I found myself to be exhausted, I loved that she asked this of me so I didn't hesitate to pick her up. It was in that moment that I was grateful for healthy arms and it was then that I realized that I am capable of having gratitude for my body despite the fact that I don't absolutely love the way it looks. 

That night when I got back to treatment, not only was I able to write an honest letter of gratitude for my body, but I was elated to do it. And I would like to share that letter with all of you with crossed fingers that you guys might be able to find things about your bodies to celebrate. 




Dear Body of mine, 

             Initially I was only going to write this letter because it was a required assignment, but as i began thinking about what I should write, I realized that I truly do have so much gratitude for you. I may not be able to say that I love the way you look yet, but what you can do and have done for me is much more meaningful than your shape.

             Thank you for my eyes. They have allowed me to see God's amazing creations. Had it not been for my eyes, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the beauty of the many places I have traveled. And as I sit in treatment unable to visit the beautiful mountains that surround me, I am thankful to be able to sit by the window and soak in their wonder through my eyes alone. 

             Thank you for my voice and my mouth through which it is amplified. Because of this, I have been able to inspire others, connect with them, bring them comfort, ask them for help, and make them laugh all through my words. And when I am unable to find the right words, my mouth can simply give a smile or even a kiss. 

             Thank you for my arms. Today, Autumn asked me to hold her, and although i tend to despise these arms and wish they looked different, they allowed me to pick her up and hold her close to me. In that moment, I couldn't help but feel grateful for them. I can't wait until I get to cradle and embrace my own children someday. And when thinking about my future children, I am inclined to express gratitude for my stomach that i am constantly criticizing. Without it, I won't have a place for my babies to grow. And while they are developing, I know they will be thankful for the layer of protective fat that I am always trying to get rid of. 

             Thank you for my legs. This is by far my most hated body part, yet as I reflect back on my proudest moments, I can see that none of them would have been possible without these legs. With these legs I have been able to express myself through dance. With these legs I have earned a state title in the long jump. With these legs I have excelled in power tumbling and have had the privilege of entertaining thousands of fans. With these legs I have been able to enjoy running, long boarding, mountain biking, skiing, and hiking. And with these legs I will be able to dance with my husband at our wedding. 

             The last thing I want to thank you for are my hands. Not only do they make all of my everyday tasks possible, but they have also allowed me to write this letter to you that I will be able to look back on as I journey through recovery. 

Love always, 


Tay





The idea of writing a letter to your body probably sounds a little strange (and lets be honest, it really is strange), so I'm not challenging any of you to actually do it. However, I am challenging all of you to take even the smallest break from the incessant judgments we impose on our bodies and take a moment to be grateful for it and all that it does for you. And to take it a step further, I would suggest that you take a few minutes to write these down in your journal. (..oh you don't really keep a journal? well maybe I will have to dedicate a whole post to how helpful its been for me to keep a journal!)