Friday, November 1, 2013

Reflections are like mood rings.

In one of my first therapy sessions, my therapist told me my eating disorder had nothing to do with my body. In my head I was thinking "this lady is an idiot." I didn't actually say that out loud of course, but I did tell her she was wrong. I told her my eating disorder was definitely about my body and nothing more. I also told her that if I could get to a certain weight I would be happy and I would be able to give up my unhealthy behaviors.

She, being a therapist, challenged that statement, as she does EVERY statement that I make. Today, I'm so glad she did because even though I never really agreed with her in our sessions, I can honestly say I believe her now. (Jenn, if you're reading this, here is my official statement: YOU WERE RIGHT)

Let me explain to you how I finally came to this conclusion.

Today I looked at my body in the mirror probably a dozen times. Maybe even a bakers dozen (that's 13 times if you didn't already know). The first few times I was in a great mood and I was able to live with what I saw. I wasn't like "dang girl you fine" by any means but I was content with my reflection and I was able to relax and go about my day. However, in the afternoon I got into an argument with someone and the conversation left me feeling so many types of negative. I'll just give you a list of the statements that were ricocheting inside of my head: 
I am inadequate. 
I am a failure. 
I am unlovable. 
Something is wrong with me.
I'll never get it right.
I'll never be good enough. 

As you can tell by my melodramatic thoughts, I was in a pretty bad spot emotionally. Had I known earlier what I know right now, maybe I wouldn't have gone and stood in front of a full-body mirror in such an emotional state. Because guess what I realized?

My reflection is like a mood ring
*Not as cool as a mood ring though because I don't actually change different colors right before anyones eyes, but how I see my body can definitely change just as quickly.

When I saw my reflection after thinking all of those negative things about myself, it was as if I gained 20 pounds in a matter of hours! That's not even humanly possible.. Right?? But it honestly seemed that way and I suddenly couldn't stand the sight of myself even though I was nearly fine with it earlier that day. Now I've gone the rest of my day hating my body. Even to this very second. 

If I could, I would go and break ALL of the mirrors in the entire world and take on the millions of years of bad luck that would come with it just to spare anyone from doing what I find myself doing everyday. Standing in front of that mirror and taking out all of my negative emotions on what I can physically see, because hey, thats a lot easier that trying to figure out what's really going on right? Yeah, maybe. But it's proven to be very counterproductive in my life. Yet I still find myself doing it.

So what can I do?
First of all I'm making it a goal to stop looking in the mirror so much. Once in the morning when I'm getting ready should be good enough. No more of this 13-times-a-day crap. But also, I need to remind myself (and all of you) that when we are having negative emotions or thoughts, it's so easy to just blame everthing on our looks! I'm sorry, but as much as we would like to believe it, our looks are'nt causing us problems! (unless you surround yourself with really shallow human beings, and in that case, that would be the problem you need to fix.)


*and no, I didn't go do a photo shoot for this blog post okay? Haha this is a picture from like 3 years ago and I just thought it was fitting :) 

No comments:

Post a Comment